Baby Number Two

 

When I found out…

Okay, so…. anyone who knows me in person knows how much I’ve always wanted a big family. Literally right when Eli turned six months, maybe even earlier than that, I already wanted to try for another baby. Unfortunately that was something Fitz and I couldn’t do because I was still in nursing school, we were NOT even close to being financially ready, we were still living with his parents, and it just was not the right time. Eli had just turned two when I graduated nursing school and he was just a little less than two and half when I passed the boards and landed my very first nursing job, which is were I am currently working at right now.

So let’s rewind back to the end of January 2020. I had major baby fever. I feel like I always do, but the intensity of it comes in waves. Fitz and I finally decided to sit down and calm myself, lol. We decided we weren’t going to try till July because when I initially got my job, I had three months to apply for short term disability, but didn’t because I didn’t know and I was absentminded about the whole thing so I missed that opportunity. In the event that I would get pregnant, before July, I wouldn’t have enough PTO and I wouldn’t have short term, meaning I would have to take FMLA, meaning no money or income for us, well atleast coming for me, for atleast 2-3 months, which was just not ideal for us. So July it was. That was the big ol’ plan.

Around the last week of January, I should have been getting my period, but it never came. My boobs started hurting (sorry but this is my blog, I can practice TMI as much as I want lol) and it was just a lot more sore than my usual period boob soreness, plus it was also lingering for a while, which was super odd. I decided to take pregnancy test. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Not even a single hint of faint line. So I said, okay whatever. Let’s go. The next day, was my really good friend’s birthday. We went out. Got tacos. I drank some alcohol. Maybe more than one glass. Cool. 

February comes along. Still no period. Just to add, my cycle is regularly irregular, meaning I have an irregular cycle (my period comes every 35-45 days which is not the normal cycle), but it comes regularly.  I don’t usually “miss” a period even though my cycle is super long. I thought, okay maybe this time my cycle is 45 days instead of 35. Deep inside me, I had a feeling I was pregnant. I feel like you kind of just know, especially when you know your own body, and I felt the same symptoms with Eli when I found out. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE BOOBS! But when I saw that negative line, it changed my mind, but at the same time I was a little confused. Like why were my boobs hurting so bad and why is the pain CONSTANT!

Fast forward to February 5th. I had worked the night before and was working also the night of 2/5. Period still hasn’t showed up. I usually leave for work around 6, it was 4:30, I’m getting ready for work, but something was telling me to tell Fitz to go run to the store to get me a box of pregnancy test. In my head Im thinking, ok maybe it’ll be negative cause last week it was. But guys, there was literally an urge inside of me to tell him to get one. So he goes and buys a pack of two. He puts in on the counter. At this point it’s 5:20 and I decide to take the test. Im sitting on the toilet, peeing on the stick, you know, the norm. If you guys have ever taken a pregnancy test before, it is probably the most scariest thing ever lol. It’s so nerve-wracking. My hands were shaking.

Negative because it was negative last week. Negative because it was negative last week. Negative because it was negative last week. 

BIG FAT POSITIVES. The first one wasn’t even faint. You could clearly see it.

I was right. I was right. I knew it. I was right. 

How I felt…

Ok so this is where I get personal and deep…ish. I shared on my instagram when I announced that I was pregnant that my initial reaction for this pregnancy wasn’t the best. It was the exact opposite. I remember sliding the test on the floor, telling Fitz to come up, and telling him I was right and I knew it. He looked at me and said “I’m not going to show you my reaction until you tell me how you feel first” or something along those lines. And I said “I’m happy” And he hugs me and spins me around. I think I might have said that out of the moment. Did I feel happy? I can’t really tell you. But I definitely felt sad, lost, confused? Are those even the right words. All I kept thinking was “No PTO, No short term, No money from me for three months. What are we gonna do. This was supposed to happen around July. This wasn’t the plan? Unplanned baby again?” This definitely wasn’t the same situation with Eli. At least we both had decent jobs right? But I was only 7-8 months into my FIRST NURSING JOB. I could have waited till July to make it. a year?!

I remember for two to three weeks I kept crying. I cried about a lot of things. Money. Stability. I cried about Eli not being my only baby. I cried about being scared. Why was I so sad. Some women kill for this moment, but why was I so depressed. And I don’t like saying that I was, but it’s the truth. It triggered my depression and anxiety and I would cry every time I had to go to work and would just cry before falling asleep. It was literally eating me up. And I am sitting here writing this blog entry and I feel so bad that I ever felt this way about this pregnancy in the beginning, but it’s the truth. And I really want to let you guys know that this happens. That it is reality to some people. We’re allowed to feel sad for things unplanned or things were not ready for. We’re entitled to feel those things. We’re allowed to feel those things. On top of everything, my anxiety for work even before all of this happened was already so so bad, so finding out I was pregnant during a very mentally unstable period of my life was just not good.

So that’s the honest truth. I wasn’t all that happy when I found out. I think a lot of my unhappiness had to do with how unstable my mind was at that time or how anxious I always was and how bad my anxiety was. I was always thinking how am I supposed to care for another human. I’m not ready. My mind isn’t in the right place. It took about another month for my mind to accept that I was growing another human. With a lot of prayers, venting to my husband, and talking to my really close friends, it finally started getting better. Now I am at this point where I get so upset about feeling like that, but my mindset back then was also so different from how I am feeling now, so I don’t think its healthy for me to be so angry at how I was.

Our announcement pic

Isn’t he the cutest big brother?

Now I am 15 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and we couldn’t be more excited! This pregnancy is going great so far, except for the weight loss and the intense amount of vomiting during the first trimester. Other than that, I’m thriving. Baby looks great. I feel great. Some anxiousness here and there, but Fitz is always super supportive. Eli is excited and I am so so stoked to see him as a big brother!

I am so excited to blog more. I was thinking of using youtube to record this pregnancy, but you all know how I feel about it. It’s very time consuming and I can’t commit to it right now. I want to make this blog more alive, not because I pay for it yearly lol, but I blogging is something I have always loved so why not continue to do it right? Hope you guys enjoyed this post and enjoy the rest of my blog! I promise to try to be really consistent ❤

xoxo,

Goodbye 2019

 

Before I rant about how inactive I have been. I just want to look back at 2019 and how it was so good to me and my family. Photo above is from this website called instagram Top Nine. It makes a collage of your most liked photos of 2019 (not necessarily the most memorable ones), but honestly this photo will do to close the year of 2019.

First off, I graduated.

 

THIS WAS BIG. If you guys don’t know my story, maybe I’ll do another blog about it when I am not catching up on sleep. But yeah, this was huge. I honestly worked so hard to finish school. It was very difficult with a baby/toddler (since I went back to school when Ei was 5-6 months old and finished when he just turned 2). I literally never want to go back to doing what I did because it was so challenging. But God is so good he helped me through and surrounded me with people to push and motivate me. My husband. My son. My family. This was all for you.

We Went to Disney

 

Fitz and I are HUGE Disney fans. Literally that’s how our love story started. And Taylor Swift lol. So taking Eli to Disney with us was so memorable. He LOVED it! I was worried because everyone kept saying he wouldn’t remember it blah blah, but until now he talks about it. When he sees Cinderella’s castle he says “Mommy, I go there remember?” And he will periodically ask to watch all the videos I took of him there.

We finally got a place for ourselves! 

I don’t really have pictures of our apartment because at the moment it’s still now how I want it to be lol. But we lived with Fitz’s parents from the day Eli was born (March 2017) till the Summer I graduated so that was about two years. While living there helped us a lot financially, it was time to go. We love having our own place! I can’t wait to show you guys how it looks when it’s finally up to par. Plus its literally like a 30 second walk to the train station, super close to Eli’s daycare, very accessible to my job and Fitz’s job and close to my parents and my sister.

I passed my boards and became an RN!!! (THE BIGGEST)

After using UWORLD and reviewing for  month and half?? I PASSED MY BOARDS. Guys, we literally moved out of fitz’s parents house July 6, I took my boards July 9 and passed July 11 and started my first nursing job July 16 LOL. Everything was sooo abrupt and so instant. God is so good. Seriously! I’ve been dreaming of this day forever, and now I’m an actual nurse (about 6 months ish now). I look back at everything we’ve been through as a family and of course, me as an individual, and I feel so in awe. I feel so blessed.

 

 

2019 was really such a huge year for us. I am looking forward to what God has planned for us. 2020 will be the year of discovery for me as a nurse. I don’t know what it will bring, but I hope it’s good. If challenges come our way, I know we will get through them.

I am done Nursing School, Wow.

Wow. It’s been almost a year since the last time I wrote on this blog. That is insane. First off, I really am sorry for just leaving the blog behind. As you can see, although nursing school kicked my butt, I kicked it right back and graduated.

I am finally done.

All that hard work

Just like that

I am finished.

It’s crazy because I sit here and look back and I can still remember exactly how I felt going into my first nursing class, 8 weeks pregnant, not knowing what to do. I can still feel the pain of having to take a semester off because I was due at a time where it was impossible for me to just give birth and go right back four days later. I can still feel the tears and the sadness when I had to go back when Eli was about six months.

I was not emotionally ready.

Mentally, I was unstable.

But I had to do it, and I did it. I graduated and I did that.

Okay, yeah I didn’t graduate with honors (though I was literally so close, darn you 3.48 lol) and that is okay.

Words cannot even express how proud I am of myself. I’m not one to brag, but man this was such a big accomplishment. The journey felt so long and just like that it’s done. I remember being so annoyed because my first rotation was in a nursing home and it was so far from us, so once a week, Fitz and I would have to wake up around 4:30 in the morning, try not to wake Eli up as we transferred him from the bed to the car seat, and leave the house by 5:30 so I could make in time for Clinical by 6:30 and Fitz would make it to work by 8.

I remember having to lock the doors so I wouldn’t be tempted to go down to play with Eli because I had some major studying to do. I remember feeling anxious every first day of clinical, crying because I didn’t have time to study, panicking because I forgot to study one part of the blueprint, and going crazy because my brain would continuously tell me I’m not good enough.

But I did it.

I did the one thing I thought I wouldn’t be able to do the second Eli was born. I thought, “I’m not good enough to do this. I’m not smart enough. I am not capable”. But the thing is,  one thing I learned during this journey is the importance of knowing that anything is possible. I don’t want to sound cliche, but it is true. When you put your mind into something and really prioritize and claim that you will get it done, it’ll happen. It’ll take time, but it’ll happen. Another thing I need to point out is that I would not be able to accomplish what I accomplished without the help and support from everyone that stood by me throughout this journey. It is okay to rely on and ask people for help. Until now, I still have a hard time doing because that’s just how I am, but this would not be possible without everyone that supported me and motivated me.

With that being said,

This is all for nothing if I do not pass the NCLEX, lol, jk, but partially true so please pray for me that I do.

 

Playground date with my best friend. I love my little Eli so much my heart is exploding.

Soaking Up Summer

I have less than one week left of Summer and it is so bittersweet. To think this is my last summer as a student?! It is so crazy to me. Ive been trying to soak up the last few days I have left with Eli. Tomorrow we leave for vacation with the whole family and I am very excited for that. We are going to Virginia so I am not looking forward to the 6 hour ride with a toddler. We’re going to check out Busch Gardens and Virginia Beach. One last hoorah before school starts I suppose.

These pictures were taken yesterday.  As you all know, or might know, I do not drive due to stress related issues and just pure laziness, so we stayed home the whole day. I went to the gym for about two hours but most of the day we stayed home so I took tons of pics of Eli. Early in the morning it was actually kind of chilly so I was able to put a cute sweater on him that was way too big for him. He then drooled on it so I changed him again. honestly, Ive never seen a cute toddler as cute as Eli but what do I know. I am a biased mom and I am Eli’s biggest fan haha.

Eli Update!

So as mentioned on my previous post, Eli turned one! And because I SUCK AT BLOGGING, he is actually now fifteen months old. Yes, my baby is no longer a baby although everyone still calls him a baby because he is still a size of a baby! 

Anyway, he turned one on March 31, 2018. We didn’t have his birthday party till two weeks after that (april 14) because he was actually serving as a ring bearer for his godparents’ (Sarah and Ben)  wedding on his first birthday which was a ton of fun! Sarah is actually Fitz’s cousin and Ben happens to be a very close friend of Fitz so basically the whole family was in the wedding and people got to see Eli walk down the aisle! I will include some photos to aid you guys visually, unfortunately I can’t put videos on here which SUCKS. I’ll probably be able to upgrade my wordpress account in the near future though.

Okay so this picture of Eli on the left is him the day before he turned one. He has been known as the baby with a head full of hair if you can’t already tell by that picture. The day before he turned one, we decided to cut his hair off, which I sometimes regret until now. But honestly, he is so cute with both hairstyles. I actually think I’m going to grow it out again. Now this picture  of Eli on the bottomishh right is Eli RIGHT after his haircut! Did I mention I cried while he was getting it done? I don’t know why I got so emotional, I think the moment I could start shaping out Eli’s face without all that hair on it, he just looked older to me AND the fact that he was turning one the next day.  Not a good combo. I think since. March he’s had three haircuts but I thought about it and like I said earlier, I really am thinking about growing it out again. We’ll see.

Now this other picture of him with a cupcake is his actual first birthday. This was the morning of his birthday and I remember just singing happy birthday to him and cuddling him and showing him all his baby pictures of him. I also remember laying down with Fitz reminiscing the few days we spent together before Eli came into the world and looking back at the days we spent in the hospital when our lives changed! Eli’s first birthday was honestly kind of hectic. Fitz was a groomsman so he was out of the house before we were for pictures and stuff. I had to get ready by myself and get Eli ready by myself as well so that was kind of hard. I swear, when you become a mom, you literally learn how to do things with one hand because Im pretty sure I was carrying Eli half of the time I was getting ready because he was very cranky due to lack of nap. Everything turned out ok though. He looked so cute for the wedding and he danced A TON!!

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Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

Now my little sunshine is FIFTEEN MONTHS! The photos above are taken at fifteen months, but don’t be fooled! He make look the same, but he is so different in so many ways. Because he did start walking at ten months, which is pretty early for a boy, he is basically a pro now! He is practically running when he’s really excited. He still sleeps with mommy and daddy. We tried to put him back in his pack n play, but thats not happening anytime soon because I am NOT ready to take him away from the bed and he isn’t ready to sleep on his own. DON’T JUDGE... every mom moms differently and cosleeping just happens to work for us. He eats a lot, but is definitely more picky now. He still loves his basic fruits; grapes, strawberries, blueberries, and bananas, but we introduced a new one which he is totally in love with: MANGOES! Just like his mama.

He is still the crazy Eli. He’s bumped his head a few times. We actually took him to the ER just a few days ago because he fell off the bed from jumping and playing and it left a dent on his head. He was perfectly fine though, back to himself right away. He no longer takes the pacifier because we successfully weaned him off before he turned one! He had his first dentist appointment last month and now has 8 teeth! He can say a ton of words like “Bye, baby, ball, car, shoes, cow, duck” and many more. He is now both and a mommy and daddy’s boy.

He is a growing boy and is definitely developing into his own person. I can’t believe my little newborn is now a toddler. I remember when he was just a few weeks old people would constantly tell me to enjoy this time with him because it goes by fast. Man, it really does. It’s not a joke. I literally feel like I just blinked and he was no longer fully dependent on us. I mean this kid will take his own snacks from his snack bin and get his water bottle when he wants to. He’ll get off the bed if he wants to play and will point at something that is interesting to him. He is growing. He is gonna get big whether I like it or not and that’s just reality.

But okay, Im pretty much done with this update of Eli. That’s basically everything thats new about him. I’m going to go cry now because this post just reminded me of how fast he’s growing up and it honestly kills me.

 

 

Update;

Hi!

I know I haven’t blogged in A WHILE. Not gonna promise to blog often starting now, but like I always say… I WILL TRY MY BEST. I tried vlogging a lot this summer, but that didn’t work out. I recorded stuff here and there but I can never bring myself to edit videos. Also I almost always forget that I plan to vlog. For example, I’ll have something exciting to do that day so I tell myself to vlog, but I always forget to take the camera out because I am in the moment. Sometimes I wonder how vloggers vlog without feeling bad that they are missing ‘the moment’. One day I was vlogging while Eli was going down the slide and just playing with other little babies and I felt so bad I wasn’t by his side as he was sliding down, instead I had a camera in front of my face the whole time. It works for other people, but it just doesn’t work for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love recording moments, and I do still record tons of footages, but I’d rather just live it than record it. This is why I wish I had a personal camera man, lol.

Anyway this might be long.. or not. I am now a year older and so it Fitz. Eli turned one as well and I will do a little update on him too, it will probably be the post above this one Honestly, I don’t feel any different being a year older. I definitely do not look any different since I still have people thinking I AM FIFTEEN?? WHAT?? I do still struggle with comparing my life to others. A lot of my really close friends have their own place and out of school meanwhile I am still stuck in school. I mean yeah, our situation is a lot different than anyone else’s but sometimes it does get a little discouraging. What helps me a lot is talking to Fitz about it and talking to my friends about it, and most especially, coming to God about it. i always try to understand his special plan for me and my family and I can’t wait for it to unfold. I honestly have a hard time being patient so this is a good lesson for me.

SCHOOL???? is starting again in like a couple of weeks. Part of me is excited and part of me is just terrified. Ive been hearing tons of things about this upcoming semester being the hardest one and I am scared. BUT I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT!! So let’s make it count and NOT FAIL?!?!

ALSO, I GOT A NEW JOB. I have an older post titled “Unexpected Interview” and I actually got hired. I got called around the first or second week of March that I got a job as a nurse extern at Einstein Medical Center! Ive been working since the last week of June and I love it so far! So basically we do what CNA’s (Certified Nursing Assistant) and PCA’s (Personal Care Associate??) do. We obviously have different demands like for example, we’re only required to work 16 hours a month (minimum) since it is implied that nursing externs are STILL students. But yeah, I really like it so far. Ive only been working atleast three times a week, which honestly isn’t bad AND it pays really well. Obviously the job takes me away from Eli for at least 24 hours a week, but it’s okay. I am getting used to it.

OH! My sister’s family finally arrived. I don’t know if I ever mentioned it here but my sister’s husband and daughter were in Philippines for a good while and she was away from them for a good two years I wanna say? Now they’re here and it’s been so fun! It was my first time meeting my niece and she is a ball of energy.

I really don’t know what else to update you on. Nothing much has changed expect those. I’ll do separate posts for Eli and just for other stuff. God, I am so freaking boring!!!!

Happy Eleven Months Eli!

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Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

Processed with VSCO with a6 preset

I do not know why it took me basically FOREVER to post about this, but my baby is eleven months old now. I’m literally like almost a month late because in one week and like three days he will be turning one. I guess the reason why I have been putting this off is because I have been really emotional. It started during my spring break. I spent the whole week with him and I started really thinking about the very first day Fitz and I brought him home and how everything was hard at first and how we were definitely challenged by parenthood. Now we laugh at those times and giggled about how clueless we were. At the same time it makes me very sad because we cannot get those moments back with Eli. Time flew by SO fast. He is going to be one. I’m practically going to have a toddler in a week or so. He is no longer a baby.
I know I should be happy about it. We survived A YEAR as parents to a beautiful boy, but now I feel nothing but sadness. Happy, but sad..? It’s a bittersweet moment really. Ugh I’ll save the extra sappy post for when he’s one.

Moving along… I am so proud to say that we have reached the biggest milestone of all and that is W A L K I N G! Technically he started walking at ten months, a week or so before he turned eleven. Ugh I have such a smart boy in my hands. He is definitely babbling/talking a lot more. He has learned how to give hugs and he somewhat knows how to kiss like for real, not just pursing his lips and making that smacking noise. Also this boy is definitely someone who wants HIS way. He has been testing us. He thinks he’s the boss hahaha, he’s funny. I constantly remind him WE’RE the boss by glaring at him whenever he whines and it works most of the time. He’s also been interested in putting lids back on containers. He also knows how to work a remote. Hmm what else?

OH! They ruled out Dairy for his list of allergies. Now we only have to work with eggs and peanuts although I know that peanuts will probably stay there forever. With peanuts only 20% of kids outgrow them and eggs, almost all kids outgrow them. The good news is that he can actually tolerate baked in eggs, but he can’t eat boiled eggs, sunny side up, scrambled… which sucks because those are literally the easiest breakfast meals to make!

So…. ok I think that’s it for now for his eleven month update. He is literally turning one in like a two weeks or a week ish so you will be seeing a post like this again… with more tears and sappiness.

Unexpected Interview

Hi, hello.
I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. Maybe a couple of weeks. Tonight is my last night of Spring break, so tomorrow I go back to school. Before Spring break started I told myself I’d do so much school work during spring break. WELP, that did not happen at all. I don’t regret it. Literally the weeks before Spring break killed me. We had an exam every week and careplans due every week and it was just so annoying and crazy and stressed me out. It definitely did make the days go by so fast though.
Anyway, I’ve always had mixed feelings about applying for externships. There is a part of me that really wants to so I can gain more experience and to help me not get so nervous anymore. The other part of me wants to just chill with Eli during the whole summer and do different types of activities. I decided to apply for some anyway and one called me back last week.
This was so unexpected because I really personally believed that my resume/cover letter sucked. They called me on a Thursday asking me to come in for an interview Monday, which is the monday that just passed.
The interview went okay. I just hate this feeling that I have. I feel like I did horrible and made a fool out of myself. Also I don’t know what I want. A part of me really wants to get this position and another part of me is scared and… very unsure and wouldn’t care less if I didn’t. I was just very focused on spending the whole summer with Eli, at the same time gaining experience and money wouldn’t hurt.
I am definitely praying about it though. I know I should stay confident, but there is a part of me that feels like I am not going to get it.

Happy Ten Months Eli!

 Happy Ten Months to my little ray of sunshine. I seriously cannot believe that in about two months I will have a one year old! It’s crazy to think about it. These ten months with Eli flew by so fast. I don’t know if its because of school keeping me busy or if it’s really just him growing up so fast, but man…. time flew. When Eli was first born and we introduced him to everyone and when everyone met him for the first time, ALL the moms I knew kept telling us “enjoy this moment because it will go by fast” and I always brushed it off, not that I didn’t listen to them, but it was more of like “Okay, I already knew that”, not in a mean way though. BUT, IT IS SO SO TRUE. The first year of having a baby in my opinion, is the sweetest part. The first year is coming to an end, and I really am not ready to let it go.

Okay, I’m gonna stop being sappy and move onto Eli’s milestones. HE IS TAKING STEPS!! So our nine month appointment was late and ended up having it a few days after he turned ten months. We didn’t have our normal pediatrician look at him, so it was this other doctor who was a woman. She was nice, but made me worried about Eli’s height for no reason. Our normal pediatrician is this guy named Dr. Dang and he’s Asian and ever since the beginning he’s always told us that Eli was small which was something Fitz and I both expected because well, first we are asians, and second, we are small people. I am only about 5 ft and Fitz is only 5’6 or around there. But the thing is, Dr. Dang never made us worry about Eli’s height because he’s had tons of asian patients who grew slow or were just small in general.

Ugh but when we came into this appointment, the first thing this new doctor tells us is that Eli is really small for his age (which we already knew) and she ran some tests on his which made me so nervous. Days after we got the results of the blood work and everything is normal. I honestly believe Eli will have a spontaneous growth spurt sometime later, but not now. Yes, I am an anxious mama, lol.

Anyway, yes Eli is taking steps! The most he’s taken is 6 I think. He also sleeps through the night now (Thank God) and is drinking less milk and eating more solids. He has a normal meals now in terms of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He claps his hands when you ask hi, points to the light, will raise his arms when you say ‘hooray’, he points at things now. He is also definitely more aware that we are his parents. Sometimes when we drop him off at daycare, he’ll cry lol.

My baby is growing and I really have to cherish all these precious moments with him.